Diary of a Pagliaccio; Entry 1

Hi.

Hello.

My name is…well…I don’t know whether I want to tell you my name yet, or ever. I am still undecided.

I am a Paggliacio; a clown with a broken heart.

I am the goofball of my friendship groups. One of the boys. I give as much banter as I can get. Nothing upsets me, I’m the ‘cool girl’. If you need cheering up, call on me, I’ll be there for you. I’m always smiling, I don’t have a care in the world. You see, I’m a PhD student and haven’t entered the ‘real world’ yet, and I am just going through life, researching and having fun. I’m the girl with the flexible timetable who you can call on and expect to be free to meet you at a drop of a hat. I’ll respond to your whatsapp messages as soon as I read them, and I will send you memes constantly. I never say ‘no’.

Well, I said it once, but I wasn’t listened to.

On the outside, my life is pretty close to perfect. I have a loving family, I’m doing my PhD, I have lots of different groups of friends and we do fun things, I’m in relatively good health, and I’m smiling all of the time.

On the inside, I am crying. I am panicked over certain things which may not mean much to you. I hate what I see myself in the mirror, and I don’t think I am clever enough to finish my PhD. I writhe in anxious anticipation over upcoming social situations and I lay awake at night afraid of the dreams I will have if I fall asleep.

I am a Paggliacio; a clown with a broken heart.

Why is your heart broken, you may ask?

I don’t have a precise answer, to be honest. I mean, I have a whole list of things which I am aware have contributed to how I feel, but nothing neat and tidy to present to you for you to nod in understanding and for me to blame. My brain is wired like this. I have high-functioning anxiety which has led to depression due to my inability to control said anxiety.

High-functioning means that I can go about my daily business without anybody noticing my mental health issues. I’m so good at it, in fact, that I managed to hide it from myself for a long time too. I also hide it from my friends, colleagues and family.

So, I’ve started this anonymous blog, so I can speak to my Internet friends whom I feel more comfortable with than my real life friends. How, 2018.

Maybe I can provide comfort to those who experience similar mental health issues. That you are not alone, or ‘crazy’. Maybe I can provide an insight for those who don’t really understand mental health issues but may have someone in their life who is suffering from it. Maybe this is just a journal to help me get through life without letting the overwhelming feeling of loneliness swallow me whole.

Who knows, let’s see where this journey takes us.

 

Pagliacci; The age old story.

The inspiration for the name of this blog is linked back to the age old story of Pagliacci. You have probably heard this story, or some introduce it as a joke, in some form or other. I am not completely sure of its genuine origin, but it is featured in the graphic novel ‘Watchmen’.

The story goes a little something like this:

One day a man goes to his doctor and says, “Doctor, I feel depressed. The world feels harsh and cruel. I feel alone in a threatening world where what lies ahead is vague and uncertain”.

Doctor says, “Do not worry, I have the solution for you. The great clown Pagliacci is in town. Go and see him, it will make you feel better”.

Man, “But Doctor, I am Pagliacci”.

Fin.