Hi.
Hello.
My name is…well…I don’t know whether I want to tell you my name yet, or ever. I am still undecided.
I am a Paggliacio; a clown with a broken heart.
I am the goofball of my friendship groups. One of the boys. I give as much banter as I can get. Nothing upsets me, I’m the ‘cool girl’. If you need cheering up, call on me, I’ll be there for you. I’m always smiling, I don’t have a care in the world. You see, I’m a PhD student and haven’t entered the ‘real world’ yet, and I am just going through life, researching and having fun. I’m the girl with the flexible timetable who you can call on and expect to be free to meet you at a drop of a hat. I’ll respond to your whatsapp messages as soon as I read them, and I will send you memes constantly. I never say ‘no’.
Well, I said it once, but I wasn’t listened to.
On the outside, my life is pretty close to perfect. I have a loving family, I’m doing my PhD, I have lots of different groups of friends and we do fun things, I’m in relatively good health, and I’m smiling all of the time.
On the inside, I am crying. I am panicked over certain things which may not mean much to you. I hate what I see myself in the mirror, and I don’t think I am clever enough to finish my PhD. I writhe in anxious anticipation over upcoming social situations and I lay awake at night afraid of the dreams I will have if I fall asleep.
I am a Paggliacio; a clown with a broken heart.
Why is your heart broken, you may ask?
I don’t have a precise answer, to be honest. I mean, I have a whole list of things which I am aware have contributed to how I feel, but nothing neat and tidy to present to you for you to nod in understanding and for me to blame. My brain is wired like this. I have high-functioning anxiety which has led to depression due to my inability to control said anxiety.
High-functioning means that I can go about my daily business without anybody noticing my mental health issues. I’m so good at it, in fact, that I managed to hide it from myself for a long time too. I also hide it from my friends, colleagues and family.
So, I’ve started this anonymous blog, so I can speak to my Internet friends whom I feel more comfortable with than my real life friends. How, 2018.
Maybe I can provide comfort to those who experience similar mental health issues. That you are not alone, or ‘crazy’. Maybe I can provide an insight for those who don’t really understand mental health issues but may have someone in their life who is suffering from it. Maybe this is just a journal to help me get through life without letting the overwhelming feeling of loneliness swallow me whole.
Who knows, let’s see where this journey takes us.
Diary of a Pagliaccio 